"If you are tired of starting over, then stop giving up" This is the motto I need taped to my refrigerator, pantry door, bathroom mirror, hell every door in my house! This is my first post in my new blog that I started because well reading blogs is my new obsession, and beacause I decided that maybe, just maybe if I start writing my feelings I wouldn't eat them!! That's right, I am a compulsive eater and an over eater. I have struggled with weight most of my life and done so many "diets" I couldn't even count them all. Losing weight on them just to turn around and gain 2x the weight back. It is like the never ending cycle of my life! So let's just start with a little backround first and go from there. My parents got divorced when I was 5 years old and my little sister was 3. My mom was too into her partying and other man to want anything to do with raising her two girls. My dad got his own apartment and we lived with him. He worked in the oil field and was gone all the time. We stayed with our aunt (his sister) and her 4 girls most of the time while he worked. When he was home, we were home with him. He was such a great dad! Fast forward a couple years and my dad and mom both got remarried. We continued to live with my dad and new step mom and saw my mom and step dad every other weekend. At my mom's I got to do and eat whatever I wanted. I was always told that I was the human "garbage disposal" and they would say "give it to Shawna, she will eat it". I actually think I ate alot at that time because I was seeking attention and I got attention that way. Definately NOT the attention I needed as a young girl. Through out my child hood I remember food being my saviour. Sounds fucked up , right? Well, it was a major comfort to me when life got all confused for me, a child of divorce, a little girl who is molested by her uncle, and forced to grow up way too soon and not get to be "just a kid". Food is what I turned to, to stuff down everything else going on around me. To this day I still struggle with food and the comfort I think it provides me. This cycle has GOT to stop! I have to get all these things out and work on them and move forward. I think keeping all this anger, hurt, resentment, and sadness is truly holding me back from the person that I want to be. I am hoping that writing everyday in this blog is going to help me. I hope it is anyway, even if nobody reads it. Just throwing it all out into the universe is so freeing! So I am sorry for the longest first post in a blog in history! LOL But my hopes are that someone can be able to realte to it, be it as a woman, an over eater, a child of divorce, or just someone struggling with the same things I am and have.
P.S. I am posting a pic of now so I can be accountable and have a "before" pic to work on!!